One of the first things I remember learning about depression when I began my search for answers, was that it is widely accepted by most respected psychiatrists that depression is the result of repressed anger or as they say ‘anger turned inward. However, at the time I found this hard to believe because when ever I had a good look at myself, I could not see any real evidence of anger plying any part in my life at all.
Shore I could remember getting irritated in the supermarket and the post office, on the roads n at work, at home, with myself, with the weather and even the cat, but as far as I was concerned, I was a mild-tempered person with an exceptional ability to think rationally.
After years of research and subsequent psychological work on myself, I slowly began to pick up subtle clues that finally gave me the wake up call I needed, I then realized *finally* that anger did indeed play a very big part in my life. Stupidly I never even realized this because I was always unconsciously repressing it and never allowing it to rise to the surface and do what nature had intended it to do, which was to motivate me into assertive action against whatever was standing in my way. I now realize that whenever I got provoked or felt threatened I always held it at bay and foolishly pushed it back down where it had come from. Now I can see quite clearly that this was due to me no longer having the self-confidence or self-esteem necessary to do anything about the things that angered or seriously concerned me, I simply became resigned to defeat, being helpless and giving in to other people’s demands. I was spineless. I was seriously vulnerable and at the mercy of any predator or abuser that came my way. I had no way of defending myself against this uncaring, selfish, hostile, money grabbing world I felt was all around me. I never believed in myself enough to confidently take action against anyone or anything. I always thought I would come out of a conflict much worse off than I was in the first place, or I would be simply fobbed off as a nuisance and someone of no consequence or perhaps I was over reacting and wrong to be angry in the first place.
This I realized was also the case with so many other depression sufferers I had met over the years, who had become programmed to be apathetic and helpless due to their bad abusive upbringing or being bullied at school or work (being at the mercy of powers beyond their control). Now I think about it, it was just like struggling in murky shark infested waters, not knowing when the next monster would turn up and viciously tear in to me, without me being able to do a single thing about it.
Well you may be thinking that my shark analogy is a bit strong or possibly out of proportion. However, it is much more accurate than you may ever realize. This is because the parts of your brain that deal with danger or threat, are the same now as they have always been, in that they have not changed for thousands of years. As a result our modern-day dangers n threats are still treated in exactly the same way as our primitive dangers n threats from the long gone past, IE lions, sharks, bears n poisonous snakes. So whenever you receive, a massive bill in the post or get pulled over by the police etc. you will still get the very same response from your primitive subconscious mind as your ancient ancestors did when encountering a pack of wild dogs or a prowling lion. So receiving a big bill in the post, is still seen by our subconscious mind as a potential injury or even death due to a deadly wild animal.
Therefore, if you were being attacked by a pack of wolves, anger would play a very important part in your dealing with your terrible attacker. However in our present day, for instance dealing with litigation, being robbed, automated phone systems, traffic jams, long cues and so on, your anger simply cannot be used, neither can you run away and hide. So all that frustrated, volatile energy has nowhere to go. In most cases in our modern world, unresolved worrying issues can go on for months n months, even years.
As time passes our anger and fear slowly builds until suddenly you realize you are totally powerless and completely at the mercy of the powers that overwhelm you. Your anger is useless and your fear too. This then triggers another *involuntary*, primitive, subconscious response, creating all those unpleasant hopeless symptoms we now know as depression.
Once I finally understood this I began to realize just how vulnerable, threatened and helpless I felt. I knew I needed to act in some way to restore my self-respect and confidence and finally put to good use the natural motivating power of anger. Then I became aware of just how angry I really was deep down inside, and my anger was considerable, unsatisfied, and by being too timid, spineless and unsure of myself to take advantage of it, depression was my subconscious’ only option. I needed to finally slam my fist down in *defiance* and once and for all, learn how to defend myself and use my anger to finally get my own way and in turn lose those deeply depressing feelings of hopelessness, victimization and apathy for good.